I knew something big was going to happen today.
I came up from a deep sleep to alert, gasping for breath. I was dreaming about falling and just before I hit the ground I woke up . . . and started laughing to myself . . . I couldn’t stop laughing. I was lying in the bedroom of the Royal Asia Hotel, Sukhumvit soi 8, Bangkok.
Yesterday, was it yesterday? I was in England. How could I be so far away from what I knew in such a short space of time? . . . . .My laughter began to sound like panic . . .even to me. I was completely alone . . . having left everything and everyone I know behind!
I suddenly heard my father’s voice . . . ‘You need backbone to live the life you want!’
He was Sergeant Major of the 11th Hussars before he died last year. I miss him.
The day passed without a ripple but under the surface I was ticking and tight, waiting for the night to come.
I knew I was going to take a giant step, a step that would set me free. I had seen Ladyboys online and these creatures fascinated me. I tried to understand why?
I am way past 21 and have never entertained the idea of gay sex. No. not even a little. I remember when I was a soldier hearing a story about some guys from my Company who got tricked by some Ladyboys in the Phillipines. As the denouement of the story was spun in which the boys in question reviled and spurned the evil Ladyboys, who had been described as indescribably beautiful . . .I said . . . I would have done it anyway! I was a lot more naive back then.
At 14 I had the album cover of Bowie’s Alladin Sane on my wall and remember having a vague but curious fascination with his feminine looks. ‘they laughed at his long black hair, his feminine grace . . . .wow, what a throwforward to Thai Ladyboys!
By the time I arrived in Bangkok I had been running for years. Running towards and away from things and through things. Away from stifling expectation and any kind of ‘ordinariness’, towards adventure, through life, love and through the lives of so many women I cannot count them. Always moving on, never settling for ‘comfortable’ searching for something I do not understand. I only ever stayed rooted long enough to bring up my sons.
I knew this night was coming. I could rationalise my fascination with ladyboys by saying things like, I have been married three times and look how that turned out, maybe I will be luckier with a ladyboy? That would be disingenuous and I can no longer be that man. I have had some great relationships with women; one true love and broken hearts and had mine broken too. I cannot complain about women . . .just never found and kept a real partnership of mind and body.
So I headed out to Nana Plaza for the first time ever. Walking from Soi 8 the night seemed to open itself before me and swallow me into this new world. I was alive. I did not stop at the bars inside Nana Plaza or with the girls I met along the way. It felt as if my body knew the way so I stopped thinking and planning.
I walked up the stairs in the corner of NEP and at the top someone was waiting for me. She was tall, dark, beautiful and looking me in the eyes. I am 6ft 5inch. She said hello, asked me if I want to come inside with her. I followed without question. I was transfixed. We entered Casanova and colour and sound exploded on me like a giant bomb made of everything desirable and gorgeous there is in the world. I was the only Man (note the capital) in the place. My leader led me by the hand to a table and leather lounger and I began to get enough focus to see that the dancers were the most exciting animals I had ever seen.
I was so mesmerised that at first I did not notice that the girl who bought me in was asking for a drink and when I did notice her she was speaking to me from the bottom of a swimming pool, refracted, out of focus. I was too far gone to care. I did not want her, I wanted the ‘girl’ looking in my eyes as she thrust her groin at me and smiling as she did it.
Nadia the beautiful!
I smiled at her. I was green but not intimidated by the Amazons who watched and waited, kneaded and cooed.
But strange and exciting things have always happened to me, I am lucky that way and now everything seemed to begin to speed up and the girl who bought me in jumped up and cursed at me, ‘Bastard’, which made me laugh and smile even more. She tore off her dress and jumped onto the podium where she started a vengeful dance routine designed to make me regret the moment I chose someone else.
Another even more goddess like Ladyboy walked over to me and struck an awe inspiring (but tongue in cheek) pose inches from my face and then, mimicking her angry friend also tore off her dress. What a body! She looked me in the eyes with a challenge, but, I called out for Nadia and after pointing at herself in a mock ‘ really, you want me’ performance she jumped off the podium and into my life. Well, for an hour of it at least!
I felt a bit awkward at first but as the temperature rose and my blood began to boil I stopped thinking about it. It did not seem to matter. The idea is, I guess, to give pleasure to someone whom you really fancy, so it doesn’t really matter how one goes about that.
The sex was so exciting, so taboo, so crazy.
She showered me and then herself and as we dressed I tried to talk to her without too much of a stupid, happy smile on my face (because I loved her now) and we left together. As we passed the ‘receptionists’ of the hotel she gave them 100 baht and she turned around to me as she walked down the stairs and looking up, wrinkled her nose in the cutest way and said, ‘Because I have a soft heart’. I said, ‘Yes, you do have a soft heart, but you have a hard body Nadia and for that, thanks are due!
That’s how I lost my Ladyboy virginity and discovered that I still had a heart.